So, I skipped a few days, and you might have noticed that today's post should say "4 days", but my flight was moved back to next Wednesday, so I should be sticking around for an extra day. That's the play anyways. It might go back to Tuesday.. it's hard to stay in good communication with the team from the UK with the 8hr difference and everything.
Anyways, this week has been busy. I ended up working quite a bit which is awesome, but unexpected. This is a part of the reason that I haven't kept updating my blog daily, but the bigger reason is that I was kind of in a funk spiritually. I wasn't sure why. I didn't have a good reason to be. God blessed me with work this week. I was able to spend some time with some good friends and I was even given tickets to the Cardinals game (w00t). It didn't make sense.
It wasn't until today that I figured out the reason for the funk - selfishness. This week I've just been thinking of myself. I've been worried about how "I" was going to raise the rest of the funds needed for the trip. How this upcoming trip was going to help "me". How "I" was going to help the team and all the good that "I" would accomplish in Uganda. I was so consumed with how everything was going for me. that it lead to me valuing my time over others - specifically my family. I mean, I'm leaving next week, my time is valuable, right?
Wrong.
God is faithful. He helped me to see my selfishness this morning. He led me to this passage in Romans:
11 And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. 12 The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. 13 Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. 14 Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.
I'm so thankful to God for showing this to me. It's time for me to wake up! - to put aside selfishness and instead clothe myself with Jesus Christ (such a crazy, but cool analogy)! In Him I will see how He sees. I won't see my own needs, only the needs of others. Again, I can't emphasize how much I needed this today. It would truly be a shame if I went through the entire trip to Uganda thinking about myself. This isn't to say that I've mastered the art of selflessness. Rather, I've realized that I can't BE selfless. Not on my own anyways. I need to first go to Jesus - to rely on Him to help me through the many temptations and trials that come my way. Afterall, God tells me that I can do all this through him who gives me strength (Phillipians 4:13).
It is simple: without Jesus, I am weak. I need to realize that I am weak in order to understand my great need for a savior. It is through weakness that I learn to cling to Jesus. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:10).
This morning, after this realization, and through a random series of events/mouse clicks, God led me to this video once again:
This video echoes my struggle to pursue God. I ask Him to come and sculpt me. To make me more like Him. Yet, when He faithfully shows up to work on me, I hide. I'm like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden - unwilling to expose my nakedness before Him. I worry that I'm inadequate. That I'm a mess. I forget who He has created me to be.
Yet, every time - and just like in the garden of Eden - He calls out to me. He draws me to Himself and tells me that He loves me just as He created me. That He wants me just as I am - with all the filth that I've let build up in my life. That when He sees me, He sees His holy son, Jesus. He tells me that I am loved. That I'm precious to Him. That I am valuable. That I'm legit. That He has plans for me. He overwhelms with Truth. I am refreshed.
This was good for me to unload all of this. I pray that God will continue to work on me. To chisel away at all the filth in my life and draw me closer to Him. He is faithful, so I know He will. I just need to be ready for it. To come before Him in full confidence - not because of who I think I am, but because of who He says I am. Bring on the chisel!
I hope that for anyone else going through a "funk" that this would encourage you. I'll try to be back on here tomorrow with an update on the trip that is rapidly approaching. Thanks for reading (even if you just skimmed it :p)!
Cheers.
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