Hello again!
It's been a while, but rather than rabble on for a few paragraphs about nonsense (like normal), I'll get right to the point of this post.
The last few weeks, I've been asking God to purify me - to make me more like Jesus. One of the things that I struggle with is
pride. Thus, I've been asking God for humility - to rid me of my pride. I really desire humility. I do. I desire it so much, that I've realized just come to realize that I'm proud of that desire (pride is really sneaky like that). You'll understand exactly what I mean in a few paragraphs.
Friday.
Friday started out normal. I woke up tired from the week, but after a shower and the 20min drive to work I was finally awake. I parked, set up the sun screen on my windshield and went into the office. As I entered the office I noticed that it was unusually dark and quiet (it's usually pretty dark and quiet too). When I walked past the conference room, I noticed my boss in there. I said, "good morning!"... and waited for him to reply in kind, but he didn't. Instead he said, "Tim, I need to talk to you about something.."
I went in and sat across the table from him all the while wondering I had done something wrong and was about to get reprimanded or possibly let go because of finances. Instead, he just said, "Tim, There's no easy way to say this so I'll just get right to it. As of today, we are closing our doors (filing for bankruptcy)." I just sat there, staring at him. Finally, I asked, "You're serious?" I knew he was, but that's all I could get out at the time. After he told me a little more about the situation, I just sat there for a minute, trying to process what he just told me. The company was over. Everyone there had no job. No more paychecks. Nothing. It was hard to think about.
Bankruptcy.
What a humbling word. It truly is. It tells the world that you need help. That you can't make it on your own. Without Jesus, we would all be spiritually bankrupt.. OK, this time I am going to resist the urge to elaborate on that potential analogy.
Anyways, back to my story - I left work trying to process what just happened. As much as it sucks for me to lose my job in this economy, it is probably 10x worse for most of the other guys I worked with. The ones that have families. The ones that had money invested in the company. The ones that will have a much harder time paying their bills. I feel for them. It hurts. It hurts more than me losing my job. I'll be fine.
When I got home, I jumped on my bike and rode... and rode. More than I ever have. I prayed the whole time. I prayed for all my co-workers families. I prayed that God would use this for good. It was a great time of prayer. I really needed it.
I kept thinking that this was God's way of purifying me and ridding me of some pride in my life. I mean, I just lost my job. That's a big deal and could be a source of pride, right? I thought I had it figured out. I was above it. This was just a setback for me, but God would help me out. I was handling it perfectly. At least outwardly.
I got home after a 2hr bike ride. I took a long nap and woke up in good spirits. I was handling this well. God was removing the pride... I knew what was going on and was ready for it. I'm the man. I thought I had learned my lesson and was done with it.
I wasn't.
I took a shower and jumped in the car to pick Evan up to go to a meeting for this non-profit we're starting. I was on Greenfield and there was construction so traffic merged into a single lane. I was potentially running a bit late so I looked down and pulled out my phone to look up the address for the office we were going to meet at. Then I looked up. Brake lights. Traffic had stopped in the couple of seconds I had taken to look down at my phone. I slammed on my brakes. It was too late (man, I wish I had anti-lock brakes). Tires skidding. Metal crunching. Seat-belt locking.
Pride exposed.
I never cuss. At least, I think I don't. As I sat in my car that was smashed into the car in front of me, I cussed under my breath. Instead of instantly thinking if anyone was hurt, I was worrying about how this would affect me. I might be out of a car. I got out to check the damage. It was bad. It might be totaled (this ended up being true). Not only was the physical damage on my mind, but I couldn't stop thinking about how this damaged my pride. After all, it was my fault. I couldn't get away from that. It was blatantly obvious. Whatever pride I had in my driving was squashed. I mean, this is the second time I've wrecked one of my cars. My pride was hurt, and I didn't like it. Not one bit.
Then it hit me. I realized that I didn't have everything figured out. That I wasn't able to handle the situation in the right way in my own power. That I'm selfish. That I don't always react well. My pride was exposed and I knew it. I was tested and I failed. God showed me what was truly in my heart. He showed me that I still have a lot of pride. I love that He uses the crappy things in life to help us grow and to turn us to rely on Him.
Needless to say, I then quietly/humbly walked around the wreck to see how everyone was. I had hit a girl about my age in an older car. She was still in her car, on her phone, crying. She didn't look up so I went to the truck in front of her (I hit the car in front of me hard enough that it hit the truck in front of her). A lady was in it, also on her phone, also crying. Neither would really acknowledge my presence. So I just moved my car and waited for the police/fire dept to come. What a humbling experience. Any pride I had before that accident was gone. I was humbled.
Needless to say, I learned my lesson: When I think I've got it all figured out, I don't. It's as simple as that. Humility is having a right perspective of who God is and who I am. When I realize that, I realize that I can't know everything (sounds basic just saying it, but I forget this). I am nothing without Him. All the good I do is through Him working through me. I keep forgetting that. I need wake up calls now and again to remind me of those truths. Now that I have no car and no job, I see that. He really does use all things for the good of those who love Him.
He is faithful.
This post was really good for me. I have a hard time sharing about my weaknesses but I know that even in writing this (really long) blog that God has been working on my pride. While writing, I kept catching myself trying to sugar coat my reactions and put me in a good light. I probably still did that, but I hope that you were able to see my heart through it all.
Prayer.
If you could pray for all of my co-workers who lost their job I would really appreciate it. I know that we all need God to provide for us in the coming months, weeks, and days. Thank you.
Also, I am going to Uganda in one month on a project trip with eMi UK to help MAF's airfield base with some new building designs, a new master plan, and water/waste water engineering. If you could pray that God brings all the right people to join the team and that we all are able to get the money we need to go. I had planned on mostly funding the trip, but with the recent loss of my job, I will need to rely on donations to help me reach my goal. I need about $2500 in one month, and I will be able to pay a good chunk of that. But, I will need quite a bit of money in a short period of time. So, please pray for that. Thank you!
God bless!
Cheers.
